The psychology of Attraction: Why do we like someone ?

Most of us have felt it.

You go about your day and life, unsuspecting, and then it hits you. All it takes is a look, a smile, a smell. And you’re toasted! It’s the most amazing thing. 

I asked my friends n best viewpoint I liked is:

"I normally like someone or want to be around ( in the first place) when I feel positive vibes around the person, . Question is how would I know?"

                                                    Demi

 

Long back I met this girl  posted to my place....n boom I'm  gone......n still hanginng out with her

What is it that made us click .....is it some neuro transmitter which matched the frequency and then brains get flooded in chemicals that keep pulling us closer to that person.

According to neurologists who have researched it, the brain of someone who gets fatal attraction looks a lot like a brain of a heroin addict! Some signs  which can help are

1. Your stomach flutters

Those matchmaker chemicals are busy again, this time releasing adrenaline into your veins so that when it is released, you get all the ‘feels.’  And if the chemistry is making its reaction as  first sight trick on you, you can expect powerful butterflies.

2. It feels as though you’ve met them before

3. Nerves kick in when you are around them

looking at this person makexpect

 stutter or feel your nerves prickling sign 

4. You are confused by your reaction

You are drawn to this person, and you just don’t know why because they are far from your ‘norm,’ but you are so attracted to then

5. You are compelled to talk to them

 You have an   unstoppable desire  to go and speak to them, despite being a  wreck. 

6. You can’t get them out of your mind

7. You smile thinking about them

8. You feel your heart facing

9. You get a sudden urge to see/ meet them

10. You find them extremely attractively

There r various reasons but these five...aspects have root into abovementioned aspects

Proximity: How near you are to someone and how often you see them

Similarity: how like you they are, for example, do you share similar interests or valued

Reciprocity: we’re more likely to like people who like us

Physical Attractiveness: are they pleasing to look at as per your parameters

Familiarity: we like people who seem comfortable to us

This seems familiar

Most of these factors have in the past been attributed with how we’ve evolved as humans. We are attracted to those who seem familiar to us, as familiarity provides predictability and safety.

So for example, if someone in your family or group of friends that you grew up with was really funny, and you enjoy their company, you might be likely to be more attracted to funny people when you grow up, because it’s something that you’re used to.

These factors can also be linked. Like proximity and familiarity: if you see someone every day, you’re likely going to get used to their company over time, until it gets to a point where you’re very comfortable with them and it would feel strange not having them around.

Don’t stand so close to me

Proximity has always been, and to some extent still is, considered the most important part of why we’re attracted to someone, or even why we’re friends with someone.

If you look at people who use Facebook for example you still find the people they would claim to be their best friends tend to be in close proximity to them. 

Dating apps have gone some way to change this however. Where in the past you might have been limited to the people in your immediate circle or community to pick a date from, now you have hundreds upon thousands of more options.

Technology has “changed the way that we interact with people and the number of people that we can potentially be attracted to”, as now we can swipe through hundreds of potential friends every few minutes.

Whatever said still whatever age you are once in a while these butterflies in your stomach makes you feel alive. ..so IT'S  STILL FUN TO LIVE 

 

No restriction of age

not the bond of lives
when someone loves

 should see only the soul
by carving new trend

 Make the trend immortal

MORALOMETER....IT IS EASY TO JUDGE OTHERS...DIFFICULT IS TO RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN MISTAKES

We are very good lawyers for our own mistakes, 

and very good judges for the mistakes of others

How bad s/he is

See s/he is having extra marital affair

We all have this moralometer...moral compass which we are always using it on other people...

We are always using it on public figures specially politicians. ..govt. Servants...newsmakers.. colleague...n..neighbours

 but when it had to look within most of times it gives confused readings......

Imagine, if you can have an accurate moralometer—an inexpensive device you could point at someone to get an accurate reading of their overall moral goodness or badness. Point it at a criminal and see it plunge down into the deep red of evil. Point it at your favorite friend and see it rise up to the bright green of near perfection. Would this be a good thing or a bad thing to have?

But here comes the dichotomy ...although there is no.such machine but we all tend to have it....

 

Do morally good people make better business leaders, or better school teachers, or better spouses, or better civil engineers? Simply look for correlations between moralometer outputs and performance measures. Voila.

Imagine, too, the practical uses!

 Take a moralometer reading beforehand, to ensure you aren't marrying a wrong person... Before taking those wedding vows... bring out the moralometer. Actually, you might as well use it on the first date.

But... Wow what a dichotomy ....although it doesn't  exist....everybody is using it against others except on Self.......

Coming After a beautiful social evening....

Firat thing we do is to judge the host of party....... 

We all just know, cheaply and easily, who are the saints, who are the devils, and where everyone else is situated throughout the middle except ourselves. 

THATS  WHY I THINK

Maybe JUDGING moral character is nobody's business.

If moral character is mostly about how you generally treat people in the world around you, well, that seems like that very much is other people's business. 

If moral character is about how you would hypothetically act in various situations, a case could be made that even those hypotheticals are other people's business: The HR department, the future spouse, etc., might reasonably want to know whether you are, in general, the type of person who would, when the opportunity arises, lie and cheat, exploit others, shirk, take unfair advantage.

Maybe the issue is fairness? If accurate moralometers were prevalent, maybe people low on the moral scale would have trouble finding jobs and romantic partners. Maybe they'd be awarded harsher sentences for committing the same crimes as others of more middling moral status. Maybe they'd be shamed at parties, on social media, in public gatherings—forced to confess their wrongs, made to promise penance and improvement?

But unfortunately  in real life moral character are  found to be poorly correlated with, or even inversely correlated with, business success, or success in movies, or creative talent. 

So in public life  low to middling mortality is not being a stigma—maybe even in some circles a badge of honor. Maybe it's the prudish, the self-righteous, the precious, the smug, the sanctimonious who value morality so much. Most of us might rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.

Your judgments about another person say more about your own character than the character of the person you are pointing a finger at.

This is the key and one of the most fundamental insights about the ‘red flags’ that we often dismiss regarding the people in our lives. If someone complains a lot to you about other people, guess what? That is part of their current character. And, as quickly as the tide changes, you can just as easily become the person they target and criticize, point fingers at, and negatively judge. Forever and always, until vibrations are raised, this will be the cycle of the relationship. So, it’s your choice to continue to engage in the cycle with them, or to move on.

When they judge you, yawn.
When they misunderstand you, smile.
When they underestimate you, laugh.
When they condemn you, ignore.
When they envy you, rejoice.
When they oppose you, prevail.

SMILE....A STRATEGY TO COPE WITH SARCASM AND INSULTS....

In one month I will be completing  two years on my assignment. ..and have faced ample critique to my work as in this place MAYANG...means a person who is outsider is never accepted....
Had listened to slangs...comments...conspiracies..

But then I remembered  when I was in college we used to call any student from NE India as ...chinki....

Later as I grew up I realized I wss totally wrong and when I got posted to NE ...I realized more so as we all are unique whether khasi. .or ..meitei..or ..naga..bihari...punjabi..and finally we are INDIANS first and always....

Therefore  I kept on doing my work without prejudice, so I never got upset on people who were criticizing me....as I knew that its only resistance to change which my staff is afraid...not hatred ..n I can say know looking back that my strategy to cope with smile has worked. ..we are able to improve ourselves and our work place together

My behaviour is based on a story I learnt in my school

Once upon a time, Buddha was passing through a village. A young man came up to him and began insulting him. 

He shouted at him and said, “You have no right teaching others. You are fake and fraud and nothing else. You are as stupid as everyone else.”

Surprisingly, Buddha was not at all upset by these insults. Instead, he asks the young man, “Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone and that person refuses to take it. Then to whom does that gift belong?” 

The young man was shocked and surprised by the strange question. He replied, “I bought the gift, so if the other person refuses to take it, then it belongs to me.”

Buddha smiled and nodded his head and said, “That is correct. The gift belongs to you”. Further, he added that it is exactly the case with his anger.

He said, “You are constantly insulting me. But I refuse to take it. So just as in the case of the gift, your anger falls back on you. You are the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done throughout is hurt yourself. 

What I Learnt

If you are one of those who feel bad or depressed when someone insults you then just ignore them.

This is the most effective way of handling and dealing with insults. At first, it may sound very difficult that if somebody is constantly cursing you in your face then how can you ignore them.

But by practice and patience, you can achieve that state when insult does not make an iota of difference in your mind, body, thoughts, and life.

You will be happy always no matter what people say about you.

And if you are one of those who is just like the young man, who insult and curse others, then stop doing that no matter how angry you are with them. Because by cursing them, you are cursing yourself.

So better learn to smile 

BIASES ....Affecting our Decision Making

Recently in my new assignment I realized that by looking the face of a boy of class 11th I felt that he can't be culprit but later it was found that he was the kingpin ..

Have you ever shouted, “I knew that was going to happen!” after indian team wins by hitting 3 sixes in last over....

Have you ever found yourself only reading news stories that further support your own opinion?

Above mentioned  are our biases /cognitive distortions....

 Cognitive distortion/Bias

They  are unconscious errors in thinking that arise from problems related to memory, attention, and other mental mistakes.

These biases result from our brain’s efforts to simplify the incredibly complex world in which we live.

Cognitive biases have direct implications on our safety, our interactions with others, and the way we make judgments and decisions in our daily lives.

Somd of the cognitive distortion/Biases are as follows (and some of them overlap):

• Black-and-white (or all-or-nothing) Thinking I never have anything interesting to say.
• Jumping to conclusions (or mind-reading)The doctor is going to tell me I have cancer.
• Personalization Our team lost because of me.
• Should-ing and must-ing (using language that is self-critical that puts a lot of pressure on you): I should be losing weight.
• Mental filter (focusing on the negative, such as the one aspect of a health change which you didn’t do well): I am terrible at getting enough sleep.
• Overgeneralization: I’ll never find a partner.
• Magnification and minimization (magnifying the negative, minimizing the positive): It was just one healthy meal.
• Fortune-telling: My cholesterol is going to be sky-high.
• Comparison (comparing just one part of your performance or situation to another’s, which you don’t really know, so that it makes you appear in a negative light): All of my coworkers are happier than me.
• Catastrophizing (combination of fortune-telling and all-or-nothing thinking; blowing things out of proportion): This spot on my skin is probably skin cancer; I’ll be dead soon.
• Labeling: I’m just not a healthy person.
• Disqualifying the positive: I answered that well, but lucky guess.

In layman's languages,  bias is a tendency to lean in favor of or against a person, group, idea, or thing, usually in a way that is unfair. Biases are natural — they are a product of human nature — and they don’t simply exist in a vacuum or in our mind’s — they affect the way we make decisions and act.

In psychology, there are two main branches of biases: conscious and unconscious. Conscious bias, or explicit bias, is intentional — you are aware of your attitudes and the behaviors that result from them ...

Explicit bias can be good because it helps provide you with a sense of identity and can lead you to make good decisions (for example, being biased towards healthy foods).

However, these biases can often be dangerous when they take the form of conscious stereotyping.

On the other hand, unconscious bias  or cognitive bias, represents the set of biases that are unintentional — you are not aware of your attitudes and the behaviors that result from them ...

Cognitive bias is often a result of our brain’s attempt to simplify information processing — we receive roughly 11 million bits of information per second, but we can only process about 40 bits of information per second 

Therefore, we often rely on mental shortcuts (called heuristics) to help make sense of the world with relative speed. As such, these errors tend to arise from problems related to thinking: memory, attention, and other mental mistakes.

Some of major biases which affect our decision making are....

Confirmation Bias

Confirmation bias refers to the tendency to interpret new information as confirmation of your preexisting beliefs and opinions.

Various social media platforms, such as Facebook, help reinforce our confirmation bias by feeding us stories that we are likely to agree with – further pushing us down these echo chambers of political polarization.

Some examples of confirmation bias are especially harmful, specifically in the context of the law. For example, a detective may identify a suspect early in an investigation and then seek out confirming evidence and downplay falsifying evidence.

Hindsight Bias

Hindsight bias refers to the tendency to perceive past events as more predictable than they actually were 

When sports fans know the outcome of a game, they often question certain decisions coaches make that they otherwise would not have questioned or second guessed.

And fans are also quick to remark that they knew their team was going to win or lose, but, of course, they only make this statement after their team actually wins or lose

When surprising outcomes arise, our expectations are violated and we may experience negative reactions as a result. Thus, we rely on the hindsight bias to avoid these adverse responses to certain unanticipated events, and reassure ourselves that we actually did know what was going to happen.

Self-Serving Bias

It refers to the tendency to take personal responsibility for positive outcomes and blame external factors for negative outcomes.

The distinction is that the self-serving bias is concerned with valence. That is, how good or bad an event or situation is. And it is also only concerned with events for which you are the actor.

In other words, if a driver cuts in front of you as the light turns green, the fundamental attribution error might cause you to think that they are a bad person and not consider the possibility that they were late for work.

On the other hand, the self-serving bias is exercised when you are the actor. In this example, you would be the driver cutting in front of the other car, which you would tell yourself is because you are late (an external attribution to a negative event) as opposed to it being because you are a bad person.

You all must hsve obsrerved, If one gets a job it's  because of his/her talent but if not then its because of prejudice/corruption by organization. ..

And in the office itself, workplace conflicts are given external attributions and successes, whether it be a persuasive presentation or a promotion, are awarded internal explanations ..

Preventing Cognitive Bias

As we know, recognizing these biases is the first step to overcoming them. But there are small strategies we can follow in order to train our unconscious mind to think in different ways n make correct decisions by

 acknowledging the limitations of memory,

 seeking perspective while making decisions,

being able to self-critique, and

choosing strategies to prevent cognitive error.

TIME...SAMAY...A REALITY ...OR ILLUSION

वक़्त से दिन और रात
वक़्त से कल और आज
वक़्त की हर शै गुलाम
वक़्त का हर शै पे राज

A phase came in my life where i got trapped in time ...and used to think i will never came out of it..it was a time which seemed as it will never get over...feeling life is dwindling

Another phase has again come wherein i feel time is running too fast...two years have passed and it looks like it is only two months ...feels energetic full of life

Psychological time is the reason that we lose the present moment and get trapped with so called PROBLEM. 

I realized that often there is really nothing to do at this very moment, so it is not useful to even think about the problem... Of course I’m not talking about ignoring a situation or not thinking to find a solution to a challenge. I’m talking about the unnecessary time we spend thinking a situation over and over and can’t let go of it. The first is in the realm of clock time, the later in the realm of psychological time.

Psychological time spent is in the memories of past or in the projection of the future which is required to be reduced to miminum. It takes some practice and the willingness to stay in the present moment, but it enables us to dissolve a lot of so-called problems that only become such if we dwell on them.

Our daily life is full of time. We are surrounded by time from getting up in the morning until checking the alarm clock in the evening. At work there are appointments and pressing deadlines.

But most of time we are physically present but mentally absent... 

.By splitting our mental attention in such a way there is always the possiblity to get stuck in time. Then we take our attention away from the present moment and we lose ourselves by thinking in time.

But being fully in the present moment  The Now...... is the key to spiritual awakening, or to say the least, to live a happier and more liberated life. So how can we balance the fact that we have to use time so often and also stay more present?

The Use of Clock Time

Any use of clock time for practical and useful purposes is absolutely necessary and helpful. This includes nearly all activities that need time as appointments, schedules etc. Even goals with a deadline are in the area of clock time. If we look at it closely, if we want to create something to until certain date, we set a deadline so that everything we do will be ready then. We create a plan to meet the deadline and then execute it. Maybe we have to rearrange the deadline, but the use of time here is no problem. This means, we can be fully present – have our attention in the present moment – by doing this.

What is Psychological Time?

On the contrary psychological time is something very different. It always occurs if we dwell on a situation mentally, then we drop out of the present moment. But when we start projecting ourselves constantly into the future (or past) and live there in the mind, we become unsatisfied with what is and dismiss the present moment. It becomes a means to the end and we want to be at the end.

What happens if we are in Psychological Time

If we create this psychological time, we get trapped in our mind. It happens that we create a problem out of a situation and the mind won’t let go of it. This is really not a small thing, it happens constantly. For instance if you watch the news and you see something terrible, did it happen to you that you could not let go of it for several minutes or even hours? It burdens you, although there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Funny enough there are a lot of very pleasant things going on right now, but the news showed exactly the very bad thing and the mind could get trapped in it.
Now this scenario may not happen to you if you have a certain control over your mind, but let’s shift to a more personal situation, maybe you could lose money, your job or even a person. Now it is much harder to stay present and not to lose yourself in the problem and thinking constantly over it.

 There is never a reason to dwell on the situation and by that create a problem in our mind. Often there is really nothing to do at this very moment, so it is not useful to even think about the problem...

 Of course I’m not talking about ignoring a situation or not thinking to find a solution to a challenge. I’m talking about the unnecessary time we spend thinking a situation over and over and can’t let go of it. The first is in the realm of clock time, the later in the realm of psychological time.

The key is to use Clock Time AND to stay present

If we become able to see a situation not as a problem but as something that comes to the present moment and will be handled (only) then, we also become able to stay present. By setting goals and fulfilling own visions we still are able to create the environment we desire. But even then there is no reason to leave the present moment with our mind. The key here is to see our vision in the present moment.

The future always depends on the quality of our present moment. The present moment is of quality if we are fully present.

So from my point of view it is totally achievable and advisable to reduce the amount of such psychological time, where we are in the memories of past or in the projection of the future, to a minimum. It takes some practice and the willingness to stay in the present moment, but it enables us to dissolve a lot of so-called problems that only become such if we dwell on them.

The butterfly counts not months but moments,
and has time enough.

ART OF PERSUASION

I always wanted to invite

Olympic Medalist Chanu Saikhom Mirabai...

to our campus..BUT she being persuaded by whole world.. Presently ..my chances were miniscule... But Thanx to being a student of psychology I was honoured by her presence in our campus...

Why are some people able to persuade better than others?  Why your spouse advises you to drink slowly in a party or when a friend asks you to set her/him up, the message source (spouse/friend) are trying to get you to do something.

Persuasion can be a difficult task. Convincing a person, or a group of people, to comply with a request, or to agree with you on a particular viewpoint, can be a formidable challenge. 

There are various techniques and some of the most used ones are.... 

Foot-in-the-Door Technique

Foot-in-the-door: start with a small request and build to a larger request.

You ask your user for something small first that they will most likely say yes to, then ask for something larger (the actual action you want them to take) at a later time. 

A politician might ask people in attendance at a rally to wear a pin to promote his campaign. Later, he might ask them for a campaign donation. 

A group of women may agree to a short health survey, and later agree to breast cancer screening. 

A group of website visitors may agree to give used clothes to a disaster relief charity, and later be asked for money. 

Door in the Face

You ask someone for something big that they will most likely say “No” to, followed by a smaller, more reasonable request (the actual action you want them to take). Guilt and self-presentation help explain why this is effective: The other person has already said “No” once, and won’t want to say “No” twice.

For example, say shruti wants to go for a film in the evening and she’ll be home by 9 pm. She knows that her parents won’t like her staying out so late. So she asks her parents whether she can be home by 12 am which is immediately refused. She then follows that up by requesting for a 9 pm slot and is granted... 

The beauty of this phenomenon is seen in the fact that the persuader’s intention is to get the second request fulfilled all along, but because the other person will refuse it on the spot if presented as is, he/she adds a ridiculously improbable request. As anticipated, the request is refused and when the second request is made, it is granted much more easily, thus the persuader gets what he/she had wanted all along.

Disrupt then Reframe

You ask your user for something in a confusing or strange way the first time around. You immediately follow-up by re-framing your request or giving your user a reason to say “Yes”.

Example: Recently went to MAX store with vidula  ... While making payment the biling clerk was persuading customers by saying that if you make purchases worth Rs 2500 you will get rs 500 worth free coupon which can be utilized after one week...I was amazed that except for one customer 7 ppl initially tried to reason but later fell for trap..without reading fine lines..

Dump and Chase

You ask for something and your friend says “No”. You respond by asking “Why not?”, repeating your request in a slightly different way. Urgency and guilt are at play here: You’ve created a sense of obligation by asking “Why not” and the repetition of your request can make it seem more important, more urgent.

Example: Your friend may refuse to go on date with you. That’s where social media...calls...n physical interaction come into play. Repeated offer in form of persuasion will help to stem away the concern of your friend n prompt her/him to agree for date....

There are so many persuasion techniques but the game is always about first understanding oneself capabilities n then exploring it vis a vis the person whom you are trying to influence...

Its a game which we all play day in and out...so enjoy it

𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙶𝙴𝚃𝚃𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙰 𝚃𝙾𝙾𝙻 𝙵𝙾𝚁 𝙼𝙴𝙼𝙾𝚁𝚈

IMPHAL DIARIES

𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙶𝙴𝚃𝚃𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙰 𝚃𝙾𝙾𝙻 𝙵𝙾𝚁 𝙼𝙴𝙼𝙾𝚁𝙸𝙴𝚂

Have you ever felt that you know the person but can't remember her/him..or we r not able to recollect an episode of life ...while our friends recall about it as it happened yesterday ....or people meet n say hi to you but you r not able to even place them in your life...

Generally people around us takes a very positive view of memories and the act of remembering: we esteem the study of history, we are expected to take photos to capture precious moments; we think that old injustices should be made good in the present; we promise not to forget old acquaintances ...when we r leaving school ...colleges..etc

But without denying the value of any of this,  we  need to do something else: forget. 

Certain memories threaten to destroy the very existence of an individual – although it's bit extreme but certain memories r bad for present or future living...

If we held onto everything that had ever happened to us in all the multicolour vividness of the original event, we’d be overburdened with anxiety and sadness, we’d be continuously terrified and consumed with regret: we’d be driven to despair by all the meanness we’d encountered, all the stupidity we’d been guilty of and all the beauty and goodness we had lost. 

𝙏𝙤 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙖 𝙥𝙤𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙮 𝙞𝙨 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙗𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨

We should remember only in so far as it actually helps us to live in the present. To the extent that memories assist us in forming our plans and avoiding error, they are valuable, but when memories function as obstacles to better lives, we should put our energies into the business of forgetting.

The best way to forget is not just time, but – more exactly – events. So as to separate ourselves from the things that haunt us, we have to ensure that we can lay down a dense layer of events between us and they; we need – in short – to make stuff happen.

This is particularly true after a  breakup, when certain places, times of day and activities remain tightly linked to the past and constantly evoke it painfully:

– Whenever we see the old tea add 

..some building etc we are carried back to memories of cosy days n evenings spent there together.

– Riding our bike down the open roads triggers thoughts of energising trips we made there on balmy days.

– The cushions on the sofa jab us with pain by reminding us of the way they’d use them when reading at night.

We’re surrounded by emotional tripwires. Our heart breaks again and again.

We cannot, as we might at points want, get rid of the world in which the relationship once played itself out. We can’t burn the cushions or uproot the restaurant. To forget, we have to impose a new layer of experience on the things we associate with lost love. We should take a new group of friends to the restaurant, sit at side of the road  or get fresh acquaintances to hang out with us on the sofa. We have to reclaim the material of our life from our experiences. 

With a new commitment to forgetting, we should recover some of the hope of the child and the fortitude of an animal.....hope not to forget the memories seen in these photos...